There seems to be a huge stigma behind the “second” or “third” wife. People instantly state that the relationship will fail because it is in the track record, right? Why is that? All because one or two marriages fail, does not mean another one will. It just so happens to be the previous marriage was not well, and so a divorce came into play. In our case, two divorces came into play. Now we are here, on his third marriage (my first). So of course, I am bound to get the bad wrap… of EVERYTHING.
I have thought long and hard on how I want to write this blog, because it is so personal. Everyone has a different background, but we all have one thing in common: we are not his first marriage, or you would not be reading this. So what worries or stresses us the most about not being the first marriage?
First, I want to start with a few things that all of want to say to the first (or in my case first and second marriage). We may not be his first, but we are his last. We get to share all of his lasts, while you live on…memories. We get to love him, not you. We get to love his kids equally, and share another with him. You need to let us be happy, and do not step over set boundaries to ruin our love. You need to stop controlling him, you are not with him, so there is no reason to act like that.
Does this sound familiar? Are you currently in your marriage and the ex-wife cannot just let you two be happy? It is such a common action, and they do not understand the damage that it creates. When kids are involved, there does need to be co-parenting taken place, however, no more than that. No communication about how life is, how work is going, blah blah blah. It should be about the children, and that is it. Now, do not let the ex-wife constantly bring up small, petty things about the children because that is just baiting for a fight. In our home, we do not allow texts to be exchanged between the ex-wives after 8:30 pm. Our normal drop off time is 8:00 pm, so this allows time for any issues that need brought up. After that time, it is my husband’s and I’s time together. DO NOT let her control your relationship, after all, she is not involved.
With all of the stressors, what are some ways we can stop being insecure about being the second wife? Let us take a look at how to overcome said insecurities.
1. Let it be known that you are the new one.
It is okay to let the ex-wives know that you are here, and you are here to stay. Explain that you are not here to harm, but they need to set boundaries that do not inferre in your relationship. Your husband should also make this known, so that they do not feel like he is an easy target to lure themselves into your relationship.
2. You get his lasts.
Sure , you may have not gotten his first kiss, had his first child, or be his first wife, BUT, there is a huge but to this. You are his last. You get to be his last kiss at night, you get to have his last children (if circumstances are right), and you get to be his last “I love you”. Feels great, right? She gets to live off of memories, while you get to live off of the love. Keep this as a reminder, even if you have to remind yourself daily.
3. You get a better version of your husband.
There is a reason the previous marriages failed. What ever the case may be, you get a better version of him. Now, he may come with some baggage or anxiety. However, you are a fresh start for him, which may enable him to change and be the best he can be for you. You may or may not know the true reason behind his divorce. So, sit and discuss it with him to see what areas need worked on so that you both may have a great, long marriage. It may be an awkward conversation at first, but you can not fix internal issues if it is not discussed. For example, if you husband is anxious that you will leave, find the reason. He said his reason is because his ex-wife cheated. At this time, you would need to constantly reassure him, until he understands that you are not going anywhere.
4. Rock the #WifeLife.
You should have every right to be a happy newly wed. That is the ex-wife’s issue if she was not happy. It is her problem if she is salty, and cannot handle you being happy in your new marriage. Do not let your husband see your insecurities. Rather, talk it out with him and then move on. Be happy, and do not let others tear your marriage down!
To get a bit of humor in all of this sap, I have to quote a favorite movie of mine:
“If you ain’t first, you’re last” -Ricky Bobby in Talladega Nights
Girls, I hope you get some type of peace from this blog post. I want you to know that you are amazing, and strong for putting up with being the “second wife”. You will flourish and grow so strong, but please have confidence in yourself. We all struggle on a daily basis, but why should we? Please keep this close when you need a word of encouragement. Do not let the ex control your feelings and your marriage.
Hang in there, girl.