Being a stepmother, we did not know what we were truly getting into. Let’s be honest, the men sugarcoated everything and the ex-wives played as a goddess, right? Correct. We were not expecting to get into a circus that was ran by a drunk puppeteer. We were not expecting to have to deal with such toxic exes and family, provide for children that was adjusting to you and how you were, and giving up your free time to cleaning up their messes.
Phew… sounds about right? I follow a Stepmother Support Group and almost every story is the same thing:
“My life is so chaotic ever since I met my now husband”.
So when we go through this journey in life, how can we still focus on ourselves in the time of need? People say to always put the kids first, but the Bible actually lists it as follows:
Jesus, Your Marriage, then the kids.
Wow, is that not the truth!!
I continue to write about how YOU need to focus on YOU. I hope you enjoy.
Stand Your Ground: Your Relationship
In most cases, exes bash the father. They continuously try to tear him, and yalls relationship, just to get a rise out of you both. In our life, it is both the exes and the in-laws. In order to make things at peace, you have to ignore all of the “talk”. We have to implement this on a daily basis, because lets all admit it, the talk does get to us at times. If they bash you as a being, stand your ground. If they bash YOUR relationship, stand your ground. I mean, there is a reason they are no longer together. They have no business getting themselves involved in your relationship.
Stay True To Who You Are
Like stated previously, people talk. They may call you the most vulgar names, but you have to know who you are. If they bash you as a stepmother, just know you are doing your best (and they DO NOT know your everyday life). If you know you are a strong, fierce momboss; be that momboss. If you know you are vulnerable and wear your feelings on your sleeves, strengthen up and do your absolute best momma. Do not let others define who YOU are.
Have “Your Time”
As everyone deserves it, you need alone time. You need to escape for just a bit to collect yourself and start new. Whether it be getting your nails done, or simply going to your bedroom and jotting things down; you need time to yourself. When I feel my anxiety spikening, I like to go to the bedroom and straighten things up. If it is away from the kids or the husband, just make sure it is only you. Do not let the stress-source follow you. This will allow them to egg things on. You time is for YOU.
Let Go Of Self-Blame
Do not blame yourself for the actions of others. Do not blame yourself for the way they are. Just know that you did not create their actions nor did you create them! Get to the bottom of why the kids are upset. Understand their feelings, and work with them. Do not blame yourself. An ex or family members can’t stand you, good for them. You are doing something right for them to be jealous. Do not blame yourself for your husband’s actions either. He does what he does, because he is his own being. He makes the calls, and you support him with his ways. If he messes up, that is HIS actions.
Pull A “Nacho Kid” Move
Theoretically the “Nacho Kid Method” is basically a term for you reserving yourself back and letting the father do all of the things that deal with the children. You still will partake in activities, dinner, and things as such; but you will not be involved in the drama or issues. The ex or in-laws start crap about the kids; your husband deals with it. The kids come completely sick and the husband needs to address it with the mother, let him deal with it. This does not mean you love the kids any less, but you do need to let the husband deal with it all. Remember, you did not create them and you did not marry the HCBM, so let the source deal with their petty ways.
Take It Day-By-Day
Life is short. We do not get a “do over”. Like i have said in a previous blog, “It is not a bad life, it is a bad day”. Whether the kids are upset from something that happened at school, they just are tired, or they are experiencing the full moon; it is just a bad day. There will be plenty more days to have a great time. If the kids do not come on a day because they have an extracurricular activity going on, you always have another day. HOWEVER, do not allow them to blow you off “All because”. Take it day-by-day, momma.
I hope this helps you keep your sanity. I know I have to implement this on a daily basis, but it does help. Make sure you are staying strong as a being, taking you time, and take it day-by-day.
“Keep your head up. God gives his hardest battles to his strongest soldiers.” Unknown
Hang in there, momma.