I wish we could live in a world where we coexisted with bio moms. In some cases, moms and step moms could sit down for a cup of Joe, talk about the kids and life; however, it has become a battle royale when it comes to co-parenting. Being a step mom, there is a number of things I wish I could say to the bio moms. In most cases, we keep our mouths shut, while the father does all of the talking. In my case, we are a team, so my fiance and I speak together.
Let me describe my relationship with the bio moms for a moment. Bio mom one is high-conflict. She has narcissistic tendencies and alienates the three oldest children from us. My fiance and I co-parent as much as we can with her, but if she does not back, it is not worth it. We do our part, and that is that. What she does on her end, is her problem. Bio mom two is on the other end of the spectrum. She co-parents. If she has a concern, she addresses it (and vise versa). If she wants to go out of town to do some Christmas shopping, we help her as much as we can with the youngest one.
Being a single mom with one daughter, I did not expect this type of outcome. I did not expect life having to be on eggshells all because of a high-conflict bio mom. I did not expect two failed marriages being… well a good thing. So I have made a list of 5 things that I think all bio moms need to hear from a step mom. Here we go:
- We love your children.
We have accepted your child(ren) into our lives and love them equally. In my case, I treat them with the same respect as I do to my own daughter. We do not just “tolerate” them because we married your ex. We genuinely love the child(ren).
2. We wish you would communicate.
It is okay to be “mutual” with the bio mom. We are not out to get vengeance, or to be a competition. You are the mother, and we are the step mother. This means more people to love your child(ren).
3. We are not taking your place.
As much as your child(ren) may call us mommy, we are not taking your place. We RESPECT the line of motherhood and we know you are the bio mom. We do not want to take your place. honestly , I am glad I am not in your place, I mean, I am married to him now.
4. He is your ex.
Do not communicate with your ex husband for any other reason, but the child(ren). There is not simple talk as far as what goes on in OUR home. There is no lovey-dovey drama. In most cases, there is hatred; however, he is focused on two things: the kids and his WIFE.
5. Being a stepmom is hard.
I didn’t want to grow up and be a stepmom. It is something that I committed to, and I will stick with. Not just for my husband’s sake, but for the children as well. Being a stepmom, we take all of the beating for the simple fact of “competition”. Through all of the beatings and hardships, being a stepmom is completely worth it.
To conclude on this open-letter to all bio moms, we are not here to take your spot. However, we will help raise the child(ren) as our own to ensure they are loved. This is not a competition. I look at it as more people to love. Every one needs to co-parent, because it makes things sooo much easier. There is no need to up-one us stepmoms. Make your child’s lives a better place to be instead of dwelling on your issues. This is all for the children, not you.
Keep pushing on, mommas.